what's up fellow kids

am a bit nervous tonight bcccc have to get public transport tomorrow (and a BUS which is my least favourite kind) and then go to the orthodontist and then get the bus back home as wellllll  lol lol lol how am I going to manage when I go back!!! just going to be upfront i think and schedule a really early appt with my academic advisor/mental health advisor and be like ‘tbh i do not see me attending many of the classes but i will do all the work to the best of my ability’ 

2 days ago with 0 notes

like there is nothing the matter with my life really, i don’t want to go back to uni but it’s for like 9 months and then i’m done with it forever. i’ve broken my retainer but again - big deal… it will be a pain if i have to pay for a new one (idk if it counts as NHS anymore bc i’m done with treatment really)

i’m poor but my parents have enough money to give me extra when i can’t pay rent and i’m earning money through the doll stuff, less than a job would pay but a really nice addition to my student loan

i just feel sort of low level gloomy all the time, a bit empty, not really looking forward to anything on the horizon

basically the matter with my life is that i have depression/anxiety

3 days ago with 3 notes

i sold another doll yayayayy this is really unfortunate though bc i had told myself i had no money and needed to save for going back to uni and now i am £35 richer which is the exact amount i need for the argos 3 for 2 deal on monster high/ever after high

doll thing is still paying out - am currently doing a commission which will get me another £20 (she provided the doll so i didn’t charge as much as i usually would) and on the 9th a customer is paying the other half for a doll shealready  made a payment on

SO the money situation is ok atm, but i’m still REALLY overdrawn which isn’t really a problem b/c it’s a student account and student finance should go in in a few weeks (student finance is shit though so you don’t really want to count your chickens) but yeah this extra ~£70 is very helpful as i need to go back to lewes soon where no one buys my food for me </3

1 week ago with 4 notes

have had the most difficult upsetting day but hopefully things are more ok now…

i had an exam on the 29th which unfortunately landed right in the middle of a sudden depressive episode, so i couldn’t do it - a decision ben & my care coordinator supported

so i applied for mitigating evidence, and on the website it says in big letters you have 21 days to submit medical evidence for missing the exam

well - today is day 6. and i got an email telling me that all claims without attached evidence have been rejected because they need to get things ready for the new term. if i don’t agree with their decision to reject i need to file an appeal. so the 21 days was a lie, and they just spring this on me on day 6. i cannot get the medical evidence because my care coordinator is on holiday and apparently there is no one else in the whole clinic who can write me a medical letter, despite me desperately granting permissions to view my files at anyone who will listen

(tangentially, i am supposed to have started new medication, but my care coordinator, who told me that she would send the prescription to my GP, hasn’t, and i am not able to get a new prescription until she gets back, so i am still completely unmedicated due to the clinic’s incompetence)

i am sobbing in a heap on the sofa when my mum appears and gets the story - she is enraged and phones the university. she spoke to a lot of people and am slightly comforted by all the reassurances - apparently most of the emails are procedural, i should have no problems even if i does go to appeal because i have no other outstanding academic requirements & they fucked me over. in short there should be no problems and i should be able to continue studies as soon as the evidential letter is handed in, but god, what a palaver.

am very tired and worn out now, we went into town earlier but as i was feeling fragile it was all a bit too much and i went into sensory overload and got a bit panicky

1 week ago with 1 note

lolol when me and my mum & dad lived in singapore we used to make tapes and send them to my doting grandparents so they would hear me chatting and progressing (i was 3 here)

i found the tape again it is my favourite thing

i preferred listening to the tapes than making them

3 weeks ago with 7 notes

man i don’t have a meeting with my care co-ordinator until the 10th, which is really fine but as soon as she was like ‘i’m on annual leave, if you need anything the duty doctor is on call’ i was like FUCK FUCK FUCK I AM ALONE I AM ABANDONED AND I CANNOT COPE ON MY OOOWN

whereas i have trundled alone without seeing her perfectly fine for the past few weeks

it’s like my valium - i don’t take it much but i like knowing i could

3 weeks ago with 2 notes

wtf i just slept for 11.5 hours :|

3 weeks ago with 1 note

i want a nap but i have to wait until my care co-ordinator rings me back I JUST WANT TO SLEEP

4 weeks ago with 1 note

i posted something similar on mob but it didn’t go through so it probs will later and you can be doubly updated

i went to group - it was ok, had horrible diarrhoea this morning b/c was so nervous (tmi but true) 

the weirdest/worst thing was that i was a) only person under 30, and b) the only girl

what the fuck haha. i was so prepared for a group full of middle aged women but i was not prepared for a group full of middle aged men. i did say (through gritted teeth) that i was surprised to be the only girl there and the woman running the group was like ‘yes there should have been another 3-4 but they haven’t turned up’ so maybe they’ll show next week

confidentiality rules etc but there was a cool guy i really liked (session guitarist) and a very worried-looking man in a suit. the rest of them sort of merged into one middle aged man

i did absolutely not see this curve ball coming, universe, so thank you

4 weeks ago with 3 notes

i say this all the time but at moments of heightened stress it always comes back to me - thank GOD ben is so chill and not so highly strung i think we’d kill each other if we both were anxious people whereas ben is like a large stone he just sort of sits there like a calm presence

[19/08/2014 22:43:17] Cham: you’ll have to like
[19/08/2014 22:43:22] Cham: fuck around in town while i’m being therapised
[19/08/2014 22:43:29] Benedict: just going to join in
[19/08/2014 22:43:35] Benedict: yes am very anx
[19/08/2014 22:43:40] Benedict: get worried abooouuut
[19/08/2014 22:43:46] Benedict: twiddes thumbs
[19/08/2014 22:43:48] Benedict: long silence
[19/08/2014 22:43:55] Benedict: not enough cake!

4 weeks ago with 2 notes