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what's up fellow kids

today i punched ben as an experiment and he laughed at me and told me it didn’t hurt at ALL

he’s working another night shift and leaving at like 5pm so i am going to make a lemon cake when he leaves, have a lot of lemon sweets and it’s probably going to the most overkill cake in the world but i am excited \o/ 

also now i’m D-list on kim kardash and like halfway to c-list all right all right yeah

decent mood not too worried which obviously means something TERRIBLE is round the corner

2 days ago with 0 notes

still at ben’s still doing ok

even bought myself some food today (appetite/food in general has been a bit weird recently) and wandered around bassett w/ ana who was staying the night

he did Firm Voice with me yesterday when i mentioned something about calories lol 

am alone atm while ben takes ana back to the station and then will be alone for most of the night as he is working a late shift so i willllllll idk maybe even revise :o

3 days ago with 1 note

consolidating whine into one post

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1 week ago with 2 notes

I think I get my exam result in about five hours hmm. i will be sleeping but yeee

that sounds a lot more dramatic than it is tho bc it’s only worth like 70% of one class of which i have 4. so 17.5% overall (? haven’t taken a maths class since i was 15 and it was compulsory). would have been more nervewracking if hadn’t postponed the other exam until aug

regardless it’s enough to either improve my grades or fuck them over so here’s hoping i do well on it :/

ben has also been at work/sleeping all day and i don’t like days where i don’t talk to him, they’re v rare thankfully but bluuuuuh and today wasn’t very good either which makes it worse

but then regardless it’s like

good day - want to tell ben about it
bad day - want to cry at ben about it
mediocre day - talking to ben generally bumps it up into a good day

anyway it’s 3 am and i’m just putting off sleeping so night night tumblies

2 weeks ago with 2 notes

i felt quite positive after seeing my cmht nurse but now i feel crap again - woke up at 4 am last night shaking and hyperventilating and it was shit.

feeling guilty for not being recovered or w/e yet, feeling guilty for snapping at my mum all the time and for leaning on ben so much - he could have a nice normal girlfriend who likes going out and doing stuff but i have managed to somehow fool him into thinking i am a 10/10 human

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

at least it’s only (‘only’) an anxiety disorder (mixed with depression etc but) it’s not the really nasty stuff  that would make me act differently or change my personality

3 weeks ago with 4 notes

i’m really tired but i’m scared to sleep for stupid reasons

also i miss ben, miss ana

i like how they don’t make me feel stupid for bursting into tears over public transport anxiety and how ben always tells me how well i’m doing and last night when i got v upset i went and sat with ana on the sofa so i didn’t wake ben up (i woke him up accidentally anyway) and we watched cartoons and cuddled and i have the best friend + boyfriend

i am seeing my mental health nurse tomorrow which is really good timing probably because these past two days were a LOT more difficult than i’d anticipated but i’m also a bit wary she’s going to suggest i go on medication again and i have been doing really well without it, these past two days were anomalous but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen eugh

3 weeks ago with 1 note

going to ana’s house in london tomorrow, nervous as hell, hate public transport and i’m gonna be travelling (publically) for roughly 2 hours which isn’t that bad i KNOW but ugh whatevs i hate it anyway

at least ben and ana will be there

3 weeks ago with 0 notes

feel a bit dissociatey and fragile today. have to go into town and buy stuff regardless sooo. haven’t eaten much for a few days so i think it’s connected to that but i’ve slightly lost my appetite and making myself eat proper food is boring and time-consuming and crap so i might live off sweets today (ah yes that will help me feel better)

1 month ago with 0 notes

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1 month ago with 1 note

today’s been a very difficult day in terms of anxiety and also physical symptoms which i am assuming is sort of anxiety IBS bc i think i’m otherwise okay (diarrhoea, nausea, the obvious anxiety i feel you know, 60% of the time)

i feel better now physically and mentally but i feel very tense and very unhappy about how my mental health is progressing because i feel like i should be better than i am by now. i began the process (again) of getting proper regular psych care in february after an episode during which i didn’t recognise my boyfriend (downer…) and increased levels of self harm and all that stuff but honestly i am no further forward now than i was then - i am not self harming atm and depression is aight but anxiety is still on occasion really really debilitating and i have had no therapy, nothing, just seen my community mental health nurse a few times but as a keeping tabs thing rather than a therapeutic session. was referred to therapy but due to my complex history and their assessment of me as high risk i was discharged immediately. this process took over a month and because you can’t be receiving two different types of treatment (i.e. my nurse AND therapy) i had been discharged from the psych place on the assumption that therapy would accept me, which they didn’t, and so had to be re-referred there. again. 

i am feeling pretty low about it. feels like even when i engage with treatment (which i find difficult anyway) nothing at all happens and nothing moves forward. i don’t know what is going to happen now. i can’t have CBT because have been deemed too high-risk by the CBT-providing group. but no one has told me what i will be having instead. before i got sent off to the ill-fated cbt group they were discussing day hospital, but those plans are no longer applicable because i was discharged in order to receive CBT which i dID NOT FUCKING RECEIBJKFGKJHJFD 

my mum is getting very angry about the whole situation and wrote them a letter asking for clarification on where next the psych stuff is going to take me. no response. she handed it directly to them a week ago. she says i need to write something about how i feel, all of it, and also how i feel about how the psych services have treated me. probably somethingl ike this actually. but yeah i will do that. and i’m just feeling really low and hopeless. like am i going to tread the line between functional and non-functional all my life

1 month ago with 2 notes