cherry tree lane

what's up fellow kids

oh also this new therapy thing i’m supposed to be doing. it has stupid rules. if i self harm at all i am discharged. same goes for suicide ideation and the use of drugs/alcohol. i mean i can see those being more of a risk-to-yourself type thing but im not gonna fucking kill myself by stabbing my arm, shit

i have self harmed since i was 12… so im gonna be discharged fairly quickly

i pointed this out to my nurse today who said if that happens it won’t be a disaster and there are other options. she also actually agreed with me when i pointed out my self harm doesn’t mean im a danger to myself and doesn’t mean i want to kill myself and she was like ‘tbh if it comes up you should have that conversation with them’ 

i am just not optimistic about not self harming for months at a time 

6 hours ago with 3 notes

i read a lot up to the age of about 12 ish but as my mental health declined (from about that age) so did my interest in books

the inability to read books, long reports, long articles (and i do use the word inability wrongly because i can do it if i try but it’s… yeah it’s not easy) makes me feel stupid and unworthy of my position as a university student, makes me feel absolutely fraudulent (when i consider my A*AA a level results for example i assume something must have just gone wrong - i had a kind examiner or something), makes me feel shallow and uninteresting (thank u posts like ‘date a girl who reads’) 

and i have so many other things going for me! i am a reasonably accomplished painter, i am very into crafts, i am a decent content writer, i am a great proofreader b/c am a very good speller with a near-flawless understanding of grammatical constructs (dont judge me by my tumblr posts ok) and essentially my worth is not based on reading a fuckin book

and i am super aware of that but it still fucks me off so much - i am a good mathematician (or at least i used to be i stopped taking maths at the age of 15 b/c it’s no longer compulsory in the UK after GCSEs) and i know i’m generally an intelligent, thoughtful person but i feel like on tumblr if i don’t read i am just a less valid individual and that pisses me offfffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

1 day ago with 9 notes

i just don’t know how to get through this part - i’m functional, and able to hold conversations, and paint and enjoy things but at my core i am still this sad person who doesn’t know who they are or what they want

would i actually rather be truly truly ill again? i don’t think so but then i’d feel like less of a fraud because i’m getting all this help and support from so many people and i honestly don’t think i’m ill enough for it. idk i think i’m just doomed to be functionally sick all my life

2 days ago with 8 notes

kinda bad night, maybe it’s a sign i should start the new meds. but i’ll probably feel better tomorrow, and i’ll take that as a sign that i don’t need them

i am genuinely planning on starting them but i’m terrified of actually doing it and it’s like, it takes 4-8 weeks or whatever to kick in and for most physical ailments that’s such a long time and for mental illness that’s barely a grassblade in a garden and skgkjfdkjfd i am overwhelmed by everything today

2 days ago with 0 notes

student loan is in!!! which means a spree tomorrow not gonna even pretend im gonna be sensible over the next few days

  • paint
  • doll
  • watercolour pencils
  • maybe some new clothes bc i just wear one dress all the time bc it’s the most comfortable (old woman)

2 weeks ago with 0 notes

PEOPLE AR EGETTING THEIR LOANS AND I HAVEN’T GOT MINE YET AND I HAVE PAINT AND DOLLS TO BUY THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT

2 weeks ago with 0 notes

apparently the name charlotte gets the most hits/returns on dating websites so i guess if ben and i break up i am sorted

2 weeks ago with 1 note

haha for a few months in first year i actually went to LGBTQ meetings and now i just don’t go anywhere and like i feel a lot less stressed like this i feel like this is not often presented as a valid way to do college/uni but like you aren’t under any obligation to do social shit that you don’t want to do

2 weeks ago with 5 notes

well the bills are due tomorrow and there isn’t enough in my account to pay it. this probably isn’t a disaster, bc my student loan gets paid in the next day so if i go over my agreed overdraft it will be for less than 24 hours and i believe you’re given a week to get out of like, red squared, so iiii yeah im not too worried about the actual logistics 

obviously this is bc my fucking housemate hasn’t paid her fucking share on time, as per usual

if anyone offers you the chance to be the bill keeper or whatever in a houseshare DO NOT AGREE bc its endless chasing everyone up for money they owe you. to be fair mim and yun have been no trouble at all but every single month she is late with her bills which means every single month i have this same fucking problem!!! 

anyway i bought the sims 3 with daddys money so that’s something but i am so sick of living with this fucking 27 year old child. fucking sick of sorting the bills out and constantly hounding her and feeling like the bad person bc of the fact she cant pay her fucking bills on time!!!

2 weeks ago with 1 note

puff-s said: ugh ew what

literally so enraged 

i know it wasn’t mim bc i mean clearly it’s not mim, which leaves the other two

ana thinks the shit housemate assumed the orange mess was mine (it wasn’t i don’t fucking cook lol) and put it in there to punish me 

2 weeks ago with 1 note