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what's up fellow kids

going home tomorrow which i have mixed feelings about. my own bed = yay, not having to cuddle ben in a grotty damp towel = yay. but i will obviously miss him and i like being here, even though it is hard sometimes. i had a few minor freakouts on the first day or two and then a large freakout last night but most of it has been smooth sailing which is pretty great! have eaten really normally here as well so nervous to weigh myself a bit when i get back but i was reading old livejournal entries earlier and ben was eyeing them over my shoulder and went ‘mm don’t like it when you’re all thin and sad don’t get disordered again’ and i didn’t even hear ‘you’re fat now’ i just heard like, a concerned boyfriend who wants a chill, normal girlfriend

we had a really nice evening tonight, we watched ghostbusters and fucked around on tumblr and had sex and exchanged love words and it was just really nice (also he tickled me and i farted really loudly)

there’s about two months until i go back to uni and i want to spend a lot of that time with him, i would have been ok staying longer but i have stupid MH appointments that i knooooow are important so i can’t even blow them off in good conscience

2 days ago with 3 notes

(im feeling reflective tonight)

my fam didn’t settle in england until i was like, 7 or 8 and before that we just country-hopped for no reason other than my parents felt like it. my dad proposed to my mum and my mum was like that’s cool but i’m planning on going abroad! and my dad was like oh cool i’ll come too

mostly the middle east - a few weeks after my birth we went to kuwait, then we went to cyprus, then singapore for a few years. and then coming to england was the absolute biggest downer of my life at that point. it was always grey and shitty lol

obviously we have been settled here for like 15 years+ now and i identify strongly as an english girl not least bc i was born here and my parents are both english but also bc i identify w/ the ~english culture~ and shit but at the same time it’s like… sigh i miss the sun still

my dad was working in kuwait when it was invaded and called my mum long-distance like ‘LIS I’M OK IT’S ALL GONNA BE OK’ and she had no idea what he was talking about so was just like yeah cool steve all right

3 days ago with 4 notes

today i punched ben as an experiment and he laughed at me and told me it didn’t hurt at ALL

he’s working another night shift and leaving at like 5pm so i am going to make a lemon cake when he leaves, have a lot of lemon sweets and it’s probably going to the most overkill cake in the world but i am excited \o/ 

also now i’m D-list on kim kardash and like halfway to c-list all right all right yeah

decent mood not too worried which obviously means something TERRIBLE is round the corner

1 week ago with 0 notes

still at ben’s still doing ok

even bought myself some food today (appetite/food in general has been a bit weird recently) and wandered around bassett w/ ana who was staying the night

he did Firm Voice with me yesterday when i mentioned something about calories lol 

am alone atm while ben takes ana back to the station and then will be alone for most of the night as he is working a late shift so i willllllll idk maybe even revise :o

1 week ago with 1 note

consolidating whine into one post

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2 weeks ago with 2 notes

I think I get my exam result in about five hours hmm. i will be sleeping but yeee

that sounds a lot more dramatic than it is tho bc it’s only worth like 70% of one class of which i have 4. so 17.5% overall (? haven’t taken a maths class since i was 15 and it was compulsory). would have been more nervewracking if hadn’t postponed the other exam until aug

regardless it’s enough to either improve my grades or fuck them over so here’s hoping i do well on it :/

ben has also been at work/sleeping all day and i don’t like days where i don’t talk to him, they’re v rare thankfully but bluuuuuh and today wasn’t very good either which makes it worse

but then regardless it’s like

good day - want to tell ben about it
bad day - want to cry at ben about it
mediocre day - talking to ben generally bumps it up into a good day

anyway it’s 3 am and i’m just putting off sleeping so night night tumblies

2 weeks ago with 2 notes

i felt quite positive after seeing my cmht nurse but now i feel crap again - woke up at 4 am last night shaking and hyperventilating and it was shit.

feeling guilty for not being recovered or w/e yet, feeling guilty for snapping at my mum all the time and for leaning on ben so much - he could have a nice normal girlfriend who likes going out and doing stuff but i have managed to somehow fool him into thinking i am a 10/10 human

bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

at least it’s only (‘only’) an anxiety disorder (mixed with depression etc but) it’s not the really nasty stuff  that would make me act differently or change my personality

3 weeks ago with 4 notes

i’m really tired but i’m scared to sleep for stupid reasons

also i miss ben, miss ana

i like how they don’t make me feel stupid for bursting into tears over public transport anxiety and how ben always tells me how well i’m doing and last night when i got v upset i went and sat with ana on the sofa so i didn’t wake ben up (i woke him up accidentally anyway) and we watched cartoons and cuddled and i have the best friend + boyfriend

i am seeing my mental health nurse tomorrow which is really good timing probably because these past two days were a LOT more difficult than i’d anticipated but i’m also a bit wary she’s going to suggest i go on medication again and i have been doing really well without it, these past two days were anomalous but that doesn’t mean they didn’t happen eugh

4 weeks ago with 1 note

going to ana’s house in london tomorrow, nervous as hell, hate public transport and i’m gonna be travelling (publically) for roughly 2 hours which isn’t that bad i KNOW but ugh whatevs i hate it anyway

at least ben and ana will be there

1 month ago with 0 notes

feel a bit dissociatey and fragile today. have to go into town and buy stuff regardless sooo. haven’t eaten much for a few days so i think it’s connected to that but i’ve slightly lost my appetite and making myself eat proper food is boring and time-consuming and crap so i might live off sweets today (ah yes that will help me feel better)

1 month ago with 0 notes